Artemis and Holly's Cooking Show
by Captain Holly Short of the LEP
Summary: Artemis and Holly are making Stink Worm soup what could possibly go wrong? WARNING: Lots of insults and i wouldnt get to close if i were you- it gets a bit...messy...


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the AF characters that appear in this show and no, not even stink worms. **

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Foaly: (controlling the camera) Artemis and Holly's Cooking Show- With none other than Artemis and Holly!!!

Holly: Welcome elves and pixies, gnomes and dwarves to my cooking show!

Artemis: Hey what about me, you dragged me all the way down here and you don't even mention me

Holly: Yeah I was getting to that. And here everybody, slumped next to me is a mud whelp!

Artemis: Holly I'm warning you…

Holly: OK Arty, don't get your one piece in a twist, I was just kidding.

Artemis: If you hadn't noticed, I rarely 'kid'

Holly: Yeah I had, so I had my own fun. (Turns back to face the camera) Sorry about that folks we were just having a minor disagreement about cooking, (then puts her hand behind her mouth so Artemis doesn't hear, but of course he does) Arty doesn't know how to cook.

Artemis: I do too!

Holly: (rolls eyes) Dream on Arty, we all heard about Mulch's sandwich

Artemis: It's harder than it looks!

Holly: Everybody can make a sandwich! Yours looked like a mini tornado went through it. A TORNADO!

Artemis: Well you can't cook either

Holly: Yes I can!

Artemis: What?

Holly: 2 minute stink worms

Artemis (crinkles up nose in disgust) Eew!

Holly: Actually they are really good and really easy, except if you blow it up in the Micro-cooker that makes a mess, trust me I know that sort of thing.

Artemis: Have you actually _successfully _made 2 minute stink worms?

Holly: Er well, no

Artemis: Right then this is going to fail epically

Holly: Yup pretty much

Artemis: What were you planning to make anyway?

Holly: Stink worm soup

Artemis: Do I want to know what's in that?

Holly: Well Arty, it's rather obvious- you know STINK WORMS

Artemis: I was kinda hoping that they weren't actually edible and that maybe it was just a name not the actual food. Can we make caviar?

Holly: Fish eggs? You're kidding me!

Artemis: We've already gone through this Holly, I rarely 'kid'

Holly: Yeah, yeah what ever, anyway stink worm soup is in a packet so we just have to follow the instructions.

Artemis: (sarcastically) Man this just gets easier and easier

Holly: You're telling me, Arty. (Replaces cheesy smile) Now Arty can you pass me the packet.

Artemis: What packet?

Holly: The packet of soup!

Artemis: Oh that packet (passes the packet which was the only thing on the bench top)

Holly: Thank you Arty. Now it says:

_Get one medium sized bowl_

_Open soup box_

_Take out sachet_

_Open sachet_

_Pour sachet into bowl_

_Put bowl in Micro-cooker___

_Press 2 then 0 then 0 _

_Press start_

_Do not stand in front of Micro-cooker____ to watch because of radiation_

_When the beeper goes off take bowl out of Micro-cooker____ carefully_

_Pour half of the soup into another bowl_

_Get two spoons and put one into each bowl_

_Sit down to eat (feeds two elves, pixies, gnomes, sprites and goblins but more that one packet is advised for dwarves and trolls) _

_Enjoy!_

Artemis: Pretty fool proof really

Holly: You wish Mr _it's harder than it looks _

Artemis: Well Miss _I can't make 2 minute noodles _er I mean _stink worms _we better get started.

Holly: Right Arty, I read the instructions- you do the work

Artemis: Well that's one way to make the male do the dirty work, mostly women are a bit more subtle but elves could be different.

Holly: Right Arty, get a medium sized bowl

Artemis: I don't know where they are

Holly: What do you mean by that THIS IS YOUR KITCHEN!!!

Artemis: Yeah but it is also a reassembled version of what was my kitchen brought down to Haven in a jumbo sized pod. Also did I mention I have only been in here twice, once to make a sandwich and the second to get Juliet who was making dinner?

Holly: (mumbling) Lazy bum

Artemis: Pardon?

Holly: Nothing, nothing

Artemis: Good, now is Butler out there somewhere? (Looks beyond the camera to find his manservant who comes into view of the camera)

Butler: Yes Artemis?

Artemis: Do you know where the medium sized bowls are kept?

Butler: Yes (finds one and places in front of Artemis) Well best be going (leaves)

Holly: Well look who's skiving to get out of the dirty work

Artemis: Well look its Miss Skiver herself!

Holly: Artemis get on with it! Er (returns to sweet voice and cheesy smile and reads off box) Open soup box

Artemis: Well you have to give it to me

Holly: Right, is there another you can use, Artemis while I read off this one (one of the backstage people's hand is seen handing Artemis another box)

Artemis: Thanks Chix, now what did I have to do Holly?

Holly: Open it

Artemis: Oh right, now er (attempts to open box and ends up destroying it beyond recognition) well at least the sachets intact! Now what?

Holly: Take out sachet, which you've already done then open the sachet. Can you do that Artemis?

Artemis: I think so

Holly: Oh Gods

Artemis: (Manages to spill half the packet on the bench) Quickly what do I do now!

Holly: Put it in the bowl

Artemis: OK (puts sachet and all in the bowl then wipes the soup onto the bench into the bowl) Now what?

Holly: You were meant to pour it out of the sachet and into the bowl you stupid mud boy!

Artemis: (hurt) Well you didn't say that!

Holly: I thought it was obvious, now do it properly

Artemis: (successfully pulls sachet out and pours remaining soup into the bowl getting soup all over him for his troubles) OK now what?

Holly: Less cocky now are you?

Artemis: Look who's talking!

Holly: Alright mud boy now put it in the Micro-cooker

Artemis: Will a Microwave do, Humans haven't invented Micro-cookers yet

Holly: Foaly installed one in here this afternoon

Artemis: Right, now (puts bowl in Micro-cooker only spilling a quarter of it) What now?

Holly: _What now _you've been saying a variation of that ALL DAY!!!

Artemis: Well?

Holly: Well! It's annoying mud boy! Now press the 2 (Artemis presses the 2 which in gnommish looks like: 1O)

Artemis: Yes?

Holly: Then a zero (Artemis pushes the zero which looks like: O) Then another zero (Artemis pushes it again) then press start (Artemis presses start which is: start in gnommish the Micro-cooker starts whirring and Artemis who is intrigued by this technology attempts to watch) DON'T WATCH IT MUD WHELP!!! The radiation, REMEMBER?

Artemis: Oh right (steps back to face the camera) So we wait for two minutes then we?

Holly: Then _you _take it out _carefully _then pour half of it into another bowl then we eat.

Artemis: OK, OK one instruction at a time

Holly: (rolls eyes) Imbecile

Artemis: I am not! I have the highest tested IQ in Europe thank you very much!

Holly: Then you must have been the only one tested (has a laugh at her joke)

Artemis: I'm hurt Holly

Holly: And you should be mud whelp

Artemis: What happened to Arty

Holly: Sorry he's not available right now, mud whelp please leave a message after the tone (the Micro-cooker beeps both Holly and Artemis scream, jumping about a foot in the air)

Artemis: Aaaaaah. Well, er (regains composure) that was a coincidence. Well I better get it (opens Micro-cooker and gets Butler to find him another medium sized bowl then attempts to pour half of the soup into it and fails miserably the soup is now all over the kitchen, all over Artemis and somehow all over Holly and Foaly)

Holly: (who is not happy being covered by stink worm soup) MUD WHELP!!! (chases Artemis round the kitchen with a wooden spoon which she somehow managed to find in the mess)

Foaly: (watches, amused then trots in front of the camera) Well that's it for Artemis and Holly's Cooking Show we will back tomorrow where they will be making Vole Curry. Thank you and goodnight! (Tacky music plays)

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**So what did you think? Should I do them making Vole Curry? Or should I put them in another situation review to give me ideas the funny box thing after Micro-cooker was meant to be one of the tm things. it looked cool on word. Please press the pretty green button and i might give you some of Artemis and Holly's stink worm soup!**

**-Captain Short**


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